Time Bomb – Part 2

The week I spent in Reno was difficult for me. I just left my husband, I’d been in love with this other man for the whole time I was with my husband. The only reason I started dating my husband was because I finally realized the ex was never coming back. Now, here I was, sitting with him on his balcony, watching the snow come down, and feeling my heart rest for the first time in six years.

We did the usual tourist things, we walked around and took pictures, but we mostly stayed in and spent time together. I watched Wayne’s World for the first time from start to finish. The best friend and I watched Season 1 of True Blood again on DVD. We cooked the boys dinner every night, the ex even licked his plate after he finished his servings of Roast and Mashed Potatoes that I had made one night.

We got there on a Sunday and had to leave a week later, on Monday. I started feeling separation anxiety on Saturday morning. Since I was always the first one awake, I got the coffee going, went out and smoked on the balcony, and was able to have ‘me’ time. I woke up Saturday knowing that soond I’d be leaving. Midway through my morning routine, I started sobbing. I was outside, and was able to catch my composure as soon as I realized someone else was awake. It was my best friend. She poked her head out to see how I was doing, and played it off that everything was fine.

Sunday morning was another story. Though I was the first one awake again, I skipped making the coffee and went straight outside and hit the cigarettes. I sat out there for a long time, journal in hand, writing like crazy, or as well as I could with my eyes blurred with tears. Finally I set my journal down and went in and made the coffee. My best friend met me in the kitchen and I remember her just holding me. I heard the shower flick on in the exes bathroom and I toughened up and forgot my sorrows. Sunday night, I just laid in bed, the exes arm around me, and finally, once he fell asleep, I lost it.

Monday morning I remember vividly. I kept waking up in the night, each time, it felt as though the exes grip got tighter and tighter. When he woke up for his shower, I rolled toward the wall and sobbed. When he got out of the shower and was getting ready, walking around his room, I just clenched my eyes shut and tried to stop shaking. Finally when he went back in the bathroom to finish getting ready, I went out to the kitchen and started the coffee. I am sure I looked an absolute mess. I was sitting at the kitchen table writing in my journal, while he made his lunch and didn’t look at him, I didn’t want him to see my cry-baby-face. He came over and put his lunch box down and gave me a long, tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He walked to the door and said, “Goodbye Love.” and I didn’t look at him, I just kept staring at the floor, I muttered, “Bye.” but I don’t know if he even heard me. I just heard his lunch box drop to the floor and before I knew it he picked me up off my chair and held me again. If ever I have truely tried to fight back tears, it was in this instant. Finally, he made his way to the door again, once I heard it close, all bets were off. It’s like a pipe busted in their apartment.

I went outside and hit the cigarettes again, and remember how their balcony overlooks the strip mall behind the apartments? Well it also overlooks the road that the ex took when he drove to work. There his truck passed by, and I just slumped in my seat. Some time later, I don’t even know what time, the best friend again poked her head out to check on me, and she just saw my face and frowned. She went and grabbed her jacket and came and sat out with me, in the cold, and just sat silently with me.

I was sitting at the coffee table some time later, we hadn’t left yet, and the ex texted me saying that he missed me already. I had been writing in my journal, this time a poem. I tore a page out, and left a small note, and the poem and set them on his night stand before we packed the car and left. I didn’t cry at all during the drive home. We picked up my friend’s son in Portland, and I took the wheel after that. I was so rundown and exhausted, that sometime while driving through Seattle, I dozed off and struck another car. No one was hurt, and the car sped off, we tried to follow them, but they got away from us and we couldn’t get through traffic to get off the freeway where they did. We assumed they didn’t have insurance. I drove until we got north of Seattle, and pulled over and checked the damage, not too bad, but I made my best friend drive the rest of the way there. I was shaken up and felt horrible, in no shape to drive, I just fell asleep for the rest of the ride home.

Tuesday is a blur for me. I know I went to the bank at some point, for something, I know I cried the whole way there, and the whole way home. I know I laid in bed for hours and hours and cried for all of those hours. I would doze off and awake, disappointed that I was in bed alone, no arms around me. My best friend would come and check on me, ask if I was hungry, I never was. I just laid there. She didn’t know what to do for me, she was texting with the ex and just felt completely helpless. Sometime around dinner time, I tried to eat, but ended up clearing my plate into the garbage disposal and going out to my car to smoke. I sat there with my head on the wheel, still crying. My best friend ran out to the car, got in and asked me if I felt that I shouldn’t have come home, and I just sat there staring at her. She told me that if I felt that I belonged in Reno, if what I felt with the ex was something I never wanted to let go of again, she would figure things out and move her and her son to Reno to be with me. “I just got you back, after all these years (her ex husband hated me), I can’t live without you in my life again” she told me. I told her I didn’t really know, I was just too sad to make any decisions. She told me, “I want to go and be with you, unless you don’t want me to.” and I told her, “That’s up to you, I’m not going to tell you that you can’t come with me”. She smiled and nervously laughed, “I was so afraid you were going to ask me not to go with you”.

In hindsight… That’s where I went wrong.

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