Don’t Even Care Anymore

As promised yesterday, here’s a post about my shitty life.

A text I sent to my boyfriend’s dad. Since moving back at the end of March, we’ve been butting heads constantly.

So, I hope last weekend wasn’t awful, I think we can say it was a little awkward, but it is safe to say, that if we all agree to move forward, and leave things at rest in the past, I’d like to. I keep feeling like no matter what I do it’s not good enough for anyone, work, Justin, you etc. i feel like when I come around, you get offended about something, so I stay away and you get offended too. I’d really like to talk and figure this out.
My actions aren’t great, and I’ll be the first to admit it, which I’ve done before, and had it thrown back in my face. So here we go again, these are the things I can’t talk about without crying so I’m getting them out first. My emotions 101, still mourning the death of my great grandma whose stroke was the day we got back, check, beating myself up for not being around for my family the past 8 years and moving to Reno, check, hanging out with my family who a good portion are mormon and don’t even know what to talk to me about anymore making it ungodly awkward, check, my mom living 1000 miles away and not being there for me in a recognizable capacity since I was 13 and having her tell me all the time how much she hates where he life has gone, check, really needing a mom to help me with a lot of the things I have gone through an am going through, check, having to drive to Montana to see another grandparent before he dies, check, working opposite shifts than your best friend and partner so you only get to see them on the weekends, check, same partner who makes plans to hang out with his friends and get drunk and go to bars/clubs, instead of spend time with his girlfriend, check, same partner who tells you he doesn’t care when you try to talk to him about what’s going on so you feel a little less crazy, check, helping your dad recover from his sudden realization he’s an alcoholic, check, you and your boyfriend have been trying to get pregnant for 14 months and his dad tells you he prays you don’t get pregnant, so you have even more of a mental breakdown, check
I could go on, but I think you can clearly see that I’m spread a little thin and grossly overwhelmed and when I have time to myself, usually, I just cry, that’s the truth. Not all is from you, but every little thing makes it worse and since Justin seems to think we all will never get along, and so long as that happens he doesn’t have to support my feelings or, dear god, propose or get married, my thought is that you’re not going to be in my life forever, so I am doing what I have to to not go completely crazy right now. And the easy thing is to cut you out. Cut out people who are not permanent and who only cause stress. I don’t want to be around people anyway, so they won’t see how messed up I am, I know no one wants to be around me so I stay home.
So there you go, if you still feel like you want to waste the time and energy on the crazy girl, your invitation is open. Though I expect you might be here with a moving van to get Justin and his stuff out soon too.

Yep…

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